When Everything Had to Be Right

When Work Kept Her on Edge

She knew how to do her job, but she described feeling constantly on edge about getting everything right. A mistake could quickly become a reason to criticize herself. If someone was disappointed, she worried about what that meant about her.

The anxiety also appeared when she needed to address someone else’s mistakes. She could see what needed correcting and still hesitate over sending the message. She wanted people to like her and see her as a good person. Saying something they might not welcome was difficult.

She brought experience and ability to her work. Yet those qualities did not prevent her from second-guessing herself or feeling that everything had to be perfect.

This was part of a broader difficulty with expressing her needs. She wanted to be able to ask for care and say what mattered to her. At work, concern about another person’s response could make it hard to say something necessary.

What We Worked With

We explored the self-criticism that came with mistakes and the importance she gave to other people’s approval. She recognized how high her expectations of herself were, and how hard she could be on others when they fell short, too.

In hypnotherapy, we worked with earlier experiences connected to how she saw and treated herself. Later, she described something from that work that had stayed with her: when the harsh inner criticism began, she could recognize that she was directing it toward a younger, vulnerable part of herself.

She said that recognizing who she was criticizing helped her respond with more kindness instead of accepting the criticism as a fair judgment of herself.

In our follow-up conversations, we returned to situations that brought these feelings up. We explored what she expected from the other person, what she felt about herself and what she needed in that moment.

At work, this included being able to address a problem while allowing for the possibility that someone might not like what she had to say.

What Changed

A critical email gave her an opportunity to notice the difference.

She described how, previously, she would have worried about disappointing the sender and felt pressure to go back over her work. This time, she asked for clarification. As they talked, she understood more about what had prompted the email. She described remaining calm and not taking it personally.

She could consider what needed attention without feeling compelled to examine everything for possible mistakes.

In another situation, she needed to address repeated errors with a colleague. She sent the message with less apprehension. She still cared about the other person’s circumstances, and she could also say that the errors needed addressing.

Several weeks later, she described feeling less anxious at work about having everything done perfectly. When she noticed herself second-guessing, she could remember that she was capable and let the doubt pass.

A small printing mistake made the change visible. Previously, she would have insulted herself. This time, she laughed about it.

Her standards still mattered. In these examples, a mistake or disagreement did not bring the same attack on herself.

Some situations had been harder. Initiating a vulnerable personal conversation, for example, had remained difficult even after she had begun feeling more comfortable reaching out. At work, however, she was describing specific moments in which the old apprehension had less hold on her.

What This Example Shows

In the situations she described, anxiety was closely connected to what mistakes and disapproval seemed to say about her. The work addressed that meaning as it appeared in her experience.

She described being more able to stay with the conversation in front of her: asking what someone meant, saying what needed addressing and allowing herself to be imperfect.